


Hell Has . . .

by tanarill



Category: Christian Bible (New Testament)
Genre: Awkward Romance, Chocolate, Demon Summoning, Gen, Lawyers, Magic, Non-Consensual Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-03-02
Updated: 2007-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-03 22:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13351017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tanarill/pseuds/tanarill
Summary: Quite a few of the good composers, most of the good artists, and also . . .





	Hell Has . . .

**Author's Note:**

> This one was written on the basis of a sentence from _Good Omens_.

As the Pit closed behind him, the would-be infernomancer looked at the black knife in his hand and his mystical paraphernalia, and at the man still held up in the harness, and almost whimpered, “What happened?”

“I tried to tell you,” said the sacrificial victim. “Idiots who keep trying to sacrifice me to him. Do you know how many people there are with all the qualifications it takes to summon the Morningstar? Worldwide? Six and a half. I know them all personally, even the one in a mental home–he’s the half.”

“Wha . . . ?” said the infernomancer, dazed.

“Look,” said the man. “The only way to protect ourselves is to be unsuitable in other ways, since we keep getting sent there otherwise. I, for example, live in a dessert and can do the walk-on-hot-coals trick, so the heat doesn’t bother me. And I stalk him. Obsessively. When I’m there.”

“Bwa?”

“And Hell has all the good lawyers,” he added, as if this were supposed to make sense.

It didn’t, but it brought the infernomancer back from whatever plane his mind has been happily swimming in. “What _are_ you talking about?”

“Satan,” drawled the young man, slowly, as if explaining this to a child, “tossed me out of Hell, and is preventing me from going back. Because I stalk him and give him chocolates, and he can deal with worship but not honest courting. It doesn’t matter how many times you try to sell me to him, it won’t work. I can’t go to Hell. Satan _still_ has a restraining order on me!”

**Author's Note:**

> Non-consensual demon summoning is unokay. Do not be that person.
> 
> I need to get back into the habit of posting these on Fridays.


End file.
